T minus...oh wait, it doesn't matter anymore

Status: ....eh. whatever.

The new swimsuit I bought recently keeps staring at me from the hanger. Should I return it?

Naa...I'll wear it this summer.

I'm planning on going on a shopping trip down to Chicago with my mom over break, maybe going skiing for a weekend with Chris also. I need to do something. Otherwise I'll just be envying Erika laying on a beach in the sun.

I'm glad I'm not going; I know it'd be a bad vacation. But there's always that one part of me that's a bit bummed. I really needed a vacation...

Red Hot Chile Peppers tomorrow night for the girls minus me. Too expensive. Although I'm super jealous. It's going to be awesome. But that means I have to apartment all to myself for the night. So I'm planning on making dinner for Chris and I. (I know, I would be scared too. I haven't cooked.....umm....ever? ok, maybe like 5 times.) Chicken and some green bean cassarole. Simple to make I'm sure, but for me, this is a challange. I hope I don't mess up. It'll be interesting.

Oh yeah, I just remembered why I was doing this post. Here's the deal:

This Friday Chris and I are going to an Admirals game with his mom and all her friends. She got a deal on tickets and is paying for us to go. (holla!) Twist: of course, she's going to invite her daughter- Erika. So Erika was looking for somebody to go with...cause she naturally didn't want to be around me and her brother all night long. Turns out she picks Trevor, Chris' roommate. I get along with him great, that won't be a problem. I'm just worried how it's going to be between Erika and I. Also, this is the first time I'll be seeing Chris and Erika's mom since we canceled the vacation.

I'm going to feel stupid and weird in front of her and think that she hates me for not getting along with her daughter but Chris keeps reassuring me that it's okay. She doesn't care. Everything is fine.

Which he's probably right. But I can't help how I feel. You would feel a little weird too, I'd assume. But I love his mom, it'll be easy to get over I think.

I hope we dont' drink and then start getting all emotional and start crying with her mom there. I'd die.

Cross your fingers this goes smoothly.

I sure am.

Status: recovering

So I've had a night to sleep on the situation and I'm feeling better. I know it's for the best. We would both be miserable on the trip and it wouldn't be any fun. Good news is I get my money back from the plane ticket because Anna is taking my place and will buy my ticket from me. I'll only be out about $30 from the $100 fee of switching names on the ticket that Erika, Anna, and me will be splitting.

Erika came to me last night and was trying to get at saying she thought it would be best if we didn't go to FL together. She was having a hard time trying to place the words but I knew what she was getting at. And earlier that day I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to go and I'd tell her last night also. So it was a pretty mutual thing.

We agreed we'd try to start fresh after vacation. Work on things then. But in truth, I don't know if anything will improve. We've gone over our situation millions of times and nothing has changed. We're just not as close as we were before. I don't know how it'll change for the better, unless we fake it really.

I'm relieved I'm not going anymore but also sad. I didn't want it to end up this way.

Status: Crash and burn

6:55 am today-I check my facebook. I got a lovely facebook message from Erika. It said she was worried about Florida and didn't want things to be awkward and uncomfortable between us. It looked like a novel, but basically that was the jist of it.

3:25 pm today-I check my voice messages. There's one from Erika. "hey lea, i was just wondering when you were gonna be home tonight cause....i think we need to talk about FL."

All day today I've had stomach aches, headaches, feeling like I'm going to vomit, weak in the knees. basically: upset and stressed out to the max. basically in tears walking to class at work. I've been miserable.

And I'd just like to vent more frustration on a different topic. Stupid customers. I work at the UPS store and a guy comes in 45 minutes before we close w/ a package over 20 lbs and 24 iches cubed going to England. It's like $300-400 to send it. There were only a few options he could choose. He throws a fit. stays there for 45 minutes- 15 minutes over closing time- bitching. I hate customers. So I was in a bad mood when I got home. Erika was home. confrontation time.

Bottom line: my plane ticket is being sold and I'm not going to FL anymore.

more to come...

Status: Ok, where is the ice berg?

So imagine you're the lookout person on the Titanic and you're seeing a giant ice berg ahead of you ("ice berg! right ahead!") You know you're going to hit it, there's no stopping, no time to turn around.

That's what it's like between us now. I'm anticipating something huge to happen very soon.

Last night I was sitting on the couch with my roommate, Erika , and our neighbor and old roomie, Jen. As you might recall, a couple weeks ago was Jen's 21st bday and I went out Tuesday on her bday but not Friday and I knew she'd be pissed I didn't go out. I didn't call that night to say I wasn't going out, which I knew I should have and would have been the right thing to do, but I knew she'd be drunk by the time I called and would be angry either way. But I should have called anyways.

As Jen was sipping on her wine and Erika and I were sober, Jen asks me if she can ask me something. I knew it was going to be about her bday. She asked why I didn't call her to tell her I wasn't coming out. I explained and apologized and she accepted and left it at that.

All the while, Erika gets uncomfortable, shifting in her seat and pretending not to listen. I was praying that she wouldn't start stuff with me too that night.

I'm sitting here now with her and asked if she wanted to go over to my sisters with me tonight. "no, i have to work."

of course. but I tried.

and we'll crash into that ice berg soon enough.

with my luck, right before we go on vacation.

I have such good luck.

T minus 33 days

Status: uneasy

So I've been toying around with the idea of saying, "hey, if you don't want me to go to Florida with you, that's okay. You can invite somebody else." But will it ever happen? Absoultely not!

Some days I'm excited to go and can't wait but then other days I just feel like not going at all. Who would want to go somewhere beautiful and fun with somebody they aren't getting along with?

Well, she doesn't compeltely hate me. Last night she asked if she could use my car to go to work this morning since hers got junked a couple months ago. Or maybe she's just using me/my car. That is very possible as well.

I went home last weekend on Thursday night. My cousins were planning on coming to stay the weekend with us and I wanted to be there to see them and also get my work done. Before I left Thursday I left a note telling Erika where I was because she was at night class still. It was our friend Anna's 21st on Saturday night and even though Erika didn't ask me to go back to Sheboygan to help celebrate I knew she would hold it against me if I didn't go. So when I left my note saying I'd be gone for the weekend I was a bit uneasy how it would be when I got back.

It turns out my cousins are coming up next weekend instead and Friday I woke up at 7:30 am to get my stuff done. I got a lot accomplished, although it took ALL day. So, to celebrate, I went out to a movie with Chris, seeing as how we rarely go on "dates" at all. It was nice (although we showed up over an hour early because somebody got the times mixed up and so we wandered from movie to movie until ours started....).
Chris was invited to go back to Sheboygan that Saturday also for a friend's birthday so all night he was getting phone calls from his friends saying inappropriate things and trying to make him feel bad. He didn't want to go mainly because his car window got smashed in (2nd time) and so there's plastic gargabe taped on it, then the hinge or something broke off the door when he slammed it shut after cleaning it, so now the door is being held on by a bungi cord. Yeah....not so safe to drive over an hour on the highway....

What is with people giving us shit about not doing things. Ultimately it is up to us on what we want to do and don't want to do. People have to deal. I'm so sick of it.

Status: Sinking!!!!

Oh boy, I think shit is gonna hit the fan soon. This past week I was extremely busy and always gone doing things or working on things for my Big Client Meeting next Thursday when my group and I meet the lady we're working for at the Adoption Resources of Wisconsin organization. Putting resumes, cover letters, conference reports together...everything is getting very very hectic and confusing.

So, as stated before, I was in and out of the apartment all week. Soccer game at midnight on Wednesday (by the way,we lost our first game of the season....so pissed). Then yesterday after work I got my stuff together to go home for the weekend to focus on my work and family is coming in also. Erika wasn't home, and neither was anybody across the hall, so I just left a message on the door saying I was going home. Predicament: it's another friend's 21st bday, Anna, who lives in Sheboygan. Big celebration going on Saturday night that I won't be there for. I knew I wouldn't be going, but I just never brought it up to anybody.

I know they're gonna be pissed.

Sometimes I get excited about going to FL but then other times I just want to sell my ticket and not go. I don't want things to be weird. And I know Erika's going to want to go out all 8 days we're there and stay up till 6 am partying. We did that last year and it was really fun, but now, I still want to go out and party, but maybe not every night cause
1)i'm going with her mom also and I dont want to be trashed in front of her

and 2) I'm going with here mom and I dont want to be trashed in front of her

and 3) I want to enjoy my vacation in the sun w/o a hangover in the morning.

and most importantly 4) I'm going with her mom and I dont want to be trashed in front of her

Erika wont like it.

T minus 39 days

Status: slipping....far, far away....

Back to square one. I knew I should have dragged myself out on Friday for Jen's birthday. Everything that'd been building up the past couple weeks into a semi-normal friendship again has fallen, and fallen hard.

Fridays I don't have class and I designate them as my "work" day. So, I was up at 8 am and did homework and studying straight until 6 pm (minus a couple hours to relieve my stress from working out at Klotsche). From there I got ready to go out to dinner with my boyfriend, Chris, and his roommates and their girlfriends at Olive Garden. (delicious, by the way. breadsticks and a salad is all you need and you'd be satisfied). Jen had asked me earlier that day if I was going out with her that night and I kinda shrugged my shoulders and implied "we'll see, I'm not sure yet." I told her about my plan to do work and dinner and then I'd see how I felt.

Well, 2 hours and a full stomach later, it was 10 pm and we were just getting home from dinner. I went back to Chris' place and was contemplating going out or not. I was tired from working all day and stuffed from the food. I just wanted a good night's rest- and plus, I had to work at 8 am the next day. I decided to stay in, although I was very nervous about it. I knew that it would be uncomfortable the next day around them, but that was a chance I was willing to take. I just needed some sleep!

After work I went to the grocery store, since I'd been living off of ramen noodles for the past week. I walked up the 4 flights of stairs to our apartment into a dark, dirty room. Mind you, it's about 3 pm only. Jen and Erika and our friend Terin are all laying on the couch watching The Sopranos. I say "hi".....and I get no response. So, I put my groceries away and sat down for a bit with them. I felt extremely uncomfortable; I wanted to say, "sorry I didn't make it out last night, I was just so tired," but I knew it wouldn't even make a difference. I got my computer out to do some research for a paper only to find that our internet was down. So, I got my things together to go to the EMS computer lab and on my way out I said, "well, I'm going to EMS to work on some stuff, I'll be back in a couple hours.".......chirp, chirp.----nothing. no response.

wow, way to give the cold shoulder.

So now things are.....well, they just are. I'm to the point where maybe I don't care anymore. If things fall apart they fall apart. So we're not close best friends anymore. Things happen. It doesn't mean I won't ever want to talk and hang out, we just won't be as close and she will have to accept that.

T minus 44 days

Status: ill be hurtin soon enough!

I think after today/tonight things will be a bit rocky for awhile. I've decided to stay in tonight and not go out to celebrate Jen's birthday- again. I feel too overwhelmed with schoolwork that needs to get done that I need time to get organized, get everything done, and just to pull myself together. I don't feel like it's that big of a deal because:

1) I went out on her real birthday on Tuesday and celebrated then

2) The people that we haven't seen in awhile were going to come down and celebrate with all but they aren't coming anymore, therefore tonight would be the same people as Tuesday night

and

3) I just really don't feel like it and would like to get a decent night's sleep before work tomorrow morning. I haven't slept in or gotten a full amount of sleep where I can function well in over a week...now, that might not be a log time to some of you, but my body is just not used to it...so when I don't sleep a lot I'm just completely zombied.

Now, the only hard part about my decision is telling them I'm not going out. I know how they'll act. "What? Why? Oh, come on, it's a Friday night, you don't need to do schoolwork." (this coming from 2 people who still have years to go in school because they slack off and don't take it seriously...like me, who because of my hard work am graduating a semester early...which will be after next fall, which means I have to get my shit together now and start being more "grown up" and focused, which I don't mind one bit.)

And when they finally realize I am really not going to go out, they'll shrug it off and then just talk about me behind my back about how lame I am and no fun. Not like I "used to be freshman year." Erika wants "the crazy lea from freshman year" back. And yes, I'll admit, I was a bit out of control at times....most of the time, way back when. I've settled down though. I like to go out and have a good time but I don't like taking shot after shot and puking in the morning and having such a bad hangover that I sleep all day instead of being productive. I like being productive. It makes me feel good about myself, like I'm moving ahead. and I am. So, I'm not the same person as I was freshman year, and I never will be again. People change all the time. I still love partying and being silly with them, just not to the extent that they go to. Too extreem for me. Call me lame, I don't care. I'm just looking out for myself.

I'm a people pleaser, what can I say? So it's only normal for me to be nervous and scared to tell them that I won't be doing what they want me to do. But it's time for me to stand up for myself. I'm in charge of me, not them.

we'll see how it goes!

T minus 45 days

Status: moderate Jen's 21st bday extravoganza

School has taken over my life. Along with my internship I got on Monday writing an article a week for Miwaukeehappyhour.com the schoolwork has been piling up. It's only the 2nd week of school...I don't think this is a good sign if I'm stressed out already. On top of that, I need to be sure to make sure Erika is getting enough "lea time." Gosh, I really hate the fact that I feel like this. Needing to please her all the time. I know I shouldn't care that much, but it's always on my mind. Tuesday was our old roommate and friend from across the hall's 21st birthday so of course I needed to celebrate with them. I really shouldn't have gone out. I had work get done. An interview to prepare for (that's today...yikes!) But, I felt obligated to. I felt like Erika and and Jen would think I was a bad friend for not going out....even though I am going on Friday to celebrate her birthday- again. So, I went out.

We had fun out on Water Street. By midnight I was ready to go home. I vowed not to stay out very late. Preparation for my interview and other homework was piling up fast and I needed to be in the right mindset to do it the next day--not just sleep my hangover away. So 1230 am was the latest I would stay out. I told my friends I was leaving, minus Jen because, lets face it- she wouldn't remmber if i was there or not anyways. And also minus Erika because she was nowhere to be found, lost somewhere inbetween the slew of drunken people. I was kind of glad I couldn't find her to tell her because i was afraid she would yell at me and get mad. Why am I such a wimp?....Anyways, Chris picked me up and I got a nice, decent night of sleep, I suppose you could say.
The next day however, I could tell by the way she was acting- not as friendly and talkative--that she wasn't happy about my choice to leave. Things were looking up too. We even were daydreaming about going shopping for the Keys and what we would wear. Now I have to start over again. It's like baby steps. I take one step forward and two steps back.